


and we'll live in the moment

by fracnkie



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: 2 parts angst 1 part comfort with angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drumbot Brian and a Moral Code, Emotionally Repressed, I project like a middle schooler doing a powerpoint presentation, I wouldn't say miscommunication because it's not like he's trying to do so, M/M, Panic Attacks, Polyamorous Mechanisms (The Mechanisms), Various Problems with Not Communicating, but like not angst this time, he's actively avoiding do so, rated teen for panic attacks, well okay the moral code isn't the angst part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24511450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fracnkie/pseuds/fracnkie
Summary: Jonny says that every other sentence out of Marius' mouth is a lie and that might be the one thing Marius will ever admit to being true.
Relationships: Drumbot Brian/Marius von Raum, Jonny d'Ville/Marius von Raum, Jonny d'Ville/Marius von Raum/Drumbot Brian
Comments: 44
Kudos: 192





	1. and the cold night creeps in

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my continuously lovely beta, that is KersPastei.  
> I currently have, like, three other mech fics on the back burner but I shoved this one out very quickly on purpose because I know my focus is incredibly scattered so, uh, look forward to more sad fics in the future?

Nastya comes into the practice room holding Jonny by the scruff of his neck, which reminds Marius nicely of a kitten. Neither looks very amused as she strides in and drops him unceremoniously on the lounge chair next to the drum kit, his head hitting the armrest with a dull thud. Jonny puts a hand to the back of his head with a pained groan, glaring at Nastya as she looks at him over her nose. Finally, she turns to address Marius, who is standing patiently by the music stand, violin under his chin and bow on the strings where he had stopped when the door swung open.

“I hope you don’t mind keeping an eye on him until we get the ship running,” she says with a sigh. “I had to drag him out of the engine vents again before Brian decided to borrow one of Ashes’ flamethrowers.”

“I’m not going to crawl into the engine vents right before we take off!” Jonny argued, shifting into a more comfortable position where his knees crooked over the armrest and his neck laid against the other, head tilting back to look at the ceiling. “Next time just tell me when we’re going to leave.”

“While you’re in your grumpy kitten mode?” Nastya teases, crossing her arms as she looks down at Jonny. “I don’t fancy dealing you at all right before your naps.”

“No, I mean like,” he starts, then cuts himself off to push into a sitting position, grunting slightly as he does, “tell me the day we leave instead of just paging me ten minutes beforehand. It’s basic fucking courtesy.”

“Ashes and Tim decided to do destructive things last minute,” Marius explains, setting down his violin to walk himself over. “I think you were already asleep by then.”

“And I think you’d rather not get burned by the engines or by Rude Brian,” Nastya says. She lets her arms fall. “I’m going to go check on some things. I won’t lock the door this time, but I suggest not going near Ashes, Tim, or Brian. All three are feeling particularly destructive today.”

“Thanks, Nastya,” Marius says, dragging a foldable chair next to the armrest Jonny is once again resting his neck on, head falling back to where he’s watching Marius as he sits. “We’ll probably be in here for a while.”

She waves as she leaves, shutting the door behind her. Marius sighs as he settles down, meeting his eyes with Jonny’s. The first mate isn’t glaring anymore but does, in fact, look like he was very rudely woken up. His eyes droop and the makeup that surrounds them seems slightly smeared and definitely faded. Marius barely spots where it stains one of the sleeves of Jonny’s white-button up right next to the belt. The belt and folds of the sleeve have left a reddened imprint on Jonny’s right cheek. He also notices that the green nail polish on his nails is chipping and barely there. Overall, the mate looks incredibly tired.

“Did you stay up?” Marius asks, lifting his hands toward Jonny’s head. He threads his hands through the puffy hair and immediately catches on various tangles.

Jonny closes his eyes as Marius starts to gently comb through his hair, a soft hum escaping his throat. “No,” he lies as if Marius can’t see the bags under his eyes have darkened since yesterday. “I just wanted a nap.”

Marius sighs and tilts his head, taking in the tenseness that still weighs on Jonny’s face even as he starts to relax. “Why were you awake?” he tests, ignoring the lie.

“I wasn’t awake, von Raum,” Jonny repeats, the annoyance behind the words very muted when he was humming in the silence between his words.

“Jonny,” Marius says, his own annoyance much more punctuated as he stills his ministrations.

Jonny groans in annoyance and opens his eyes, meeting them with Marius’. He does look annoyed, and tired and fond and exasperated, but there is an annoyance in his eyes that makes Marius’ stomach twist in a not-very-pleasant way. He bites through it, though, and puts on a soft smile that Jonny doesn’t return.

“Can you not psychoanalyze me for one second?” Jonny asks, blinking slowly.

“I’m not psychoanalyzing you,” Marius defends, though he continues to comb through Jonny’s hair once again. “I just want to know what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong, Marius,” Jonny says, sighing into the words, though he doesn’t close his eyes. Marius breaks eye contact and instead looks at Jonny’s hair. “I was writing and lost track of the time.”

“You really don’t need to lie to me,” Marius pushes, though his tone is nothing but fond.

“Oh, that’s rich,” Jonny quips.

Suddenly he pushes himself up and away from Marius’ hands. He grunts as he readjusts, now laying with his stomach against the armrest and his knees digging into the chair cushions. He props both his elbows against the armrest and rests his cheeks in both of his hands, cupping his chin between them. He is very, very close to Marius’ face now, the minor increased height of the lounge chair as opposed to the foldable causing Jonny to be eye level with him. 

Marius suppresses his surprise and puts on a facade of calmness as Jonny’s words sink in. He already knows where this is going and he’s beginning to consider how Nastya didn’t lock the door and they should be in the sky very soon.

“What’s rich?” Marius says, feigning his ignorance with practiced ease.

“You’re being hypocritical,” Jonny explains, a half-glare sitting on his features. “Why are you allowed to lie and I’m not?”

“I don’t lie, Jonny,” Marius says, subtly backing his chair away.

It’s not subtle, the chair creaks against the metal floor and makes a horrendous sound that causes them both to cringe. Jonny’s cringe fades sooner than Marius’, though.

“Oh, that’s got to be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard you say, dear,” he says sarcastically, though no joke is in his tone. “You are joking, right? To say you never lie? Marius, every other sentence that comes out of your mouth is a lie.”

“I don’t lie, Jonny,” Marius repeats.

“I don’t mean that as a bad thing,” Jonny explains. “Well, actually, I do. But not as an ‘I’m mad at you’ bad thing. It’s an ‘I don’t get why you feel like you need to lie to us’ thing.”

“I don’t feel like I need to lie to you,” Marius says truthfully, technically. “I just don’t know why it matters.”

Jonny’s face does something weird, nose scrunching and eyes in a half glare like he’s thinking about something. It’s something between annoyance and fondness that Marius  _ thinks _ is concern, but it shouldn’t be because there isn’t anything to be concerned about. Lying is just something Marius does; it’s second nature. It’s really not a big deal that he lies, in his own opinion. He just doesn’t like it when others lie to him about something as simple as if they’ve slept or if they’re alright. They don’t have to answer if they don’t want to.

Jonny lifts himself up, hands pushing against the armrest, so he can plant a kiss on Marius’ head. He swings his legs to the ground and stands straight up, hands planting firmly on his hips as Marius watches, confusion mounting. He’s surprised when Jonny turns and grabs Marius’ hand off of his lap and pulls until Marius is standing. He stumbles slightly, confusion now evident on his face, and he takes a step back. The back of his knee hits the chair and it squeaks slightly. He pretends not to notice. Jonny is holding both of his hands now.

“My elbows were starting to hurt,” Jonny explains and Marius glances to see the slight redness where Jonny’s elbows were digging into the armrest. “I need you to be serious right now, alright?” and by saying that, Marius knows Jonny is actually, really serious and if Marius decides not to be he’s not going to be spoken to for at least a week so he nods. “Good. I need to know why you think it doesn’t matter if you lie but it does matter I do.”

Marius doesn’t answer at first because he doesn’t know how to. He doesn’t have a lie that works and he doesn’t even have an answer so, instead, he looks at his hands in Jonny’s and pretends to be distracted. That works up until Jonny decides that Marius isn’t trying to think of an answer and squeezes his hands in a not-so-comforting way. Marius snaps his gaze up, blinking at Jonny in mild surprise. Jonny looks annoyed and god does that make Marius antsy.

“I thought I was supposed to be the one who psychoanalyzes people for fun,” Marius jokes and god does he know he’s going to regret that but it’s better than answering the question.

“Marius,” Jonny says, very impatient as he narrows his eyes. Marius can’t get past the annoyance.

“Jonny, I really don’t have an answer,” he says, actually and really truthful. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“If I let you leave now will we actually talk about this again later or are you going to continue to pretend there isn’t a problem here?” Jonny asks, face a cold deadpan.

“There isn’t a problem,” Marius insists, tearing his hands from Jonny’s a lot more quickly than he intends.

Jonny just sighs, bringing his arms up to cross over his chest. He doesn’t look annoyed, just exasperated and tired, which is somehow worse. Marius ignores it best he can and turns away, quickly walking back to where his violin leans against the wall. As smoothly and gingerly as possible, he puts it back in his case. His movements aren’t too jerky and his body language is calm, at least as much as he can manage. He doesn’t turn and look, but from how he hasn’t heard a noise behind him the entire time he’s been putting things away he knows Jonny is just watching, waiting, arms still crossed. When he stands to grab the sheet music off of the stand he had set it on, his suspicions are confirmed. The exasperation still sits as clear as day on Jonny’s face as Marius quickly moves past him, his grip on the handle of his violin case so tight his knuckles turn white. He’s glad he grabbed his sheet music with his mechanism because he can force the emotion out of it a lot easier and he doesn’t really want the papers crumpled and torn.

“We’re going to talk about this at some point,” Jonny says as Marius pushes the door open with his shoulder.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Marius says, his tone now low and bordering on a grumble.

“Lie.”

Marius grits his teeth and stops halfway out the door. He turns back of Jonny with a hard glare glazed over his features. Jonny, to his benefit, seems surprised by this, jolting a second at the amount of vitriol in Marius’ expression. His own exasperation softens and his arms fall from where they were crossed, now in front of him like he’s approaching a feral cat. Marius doesn’t move from where he stands in the door, one foot propping it open, as Jonny starts to walk over, hands dropping mostly to his sides but still up in a poor excuse for a guarded position. He bites his lip and looks Marius up and down.

“Look, I’m… sorry,” he says quickly, though wincing through the words like they’re hard to say. “If you don’t want to talk about it right now, that’s fine. I…” he pauses and laughs, straightening up, “I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Marius doesn’t miss the irony of his own words repeated at him but he doesn’t say anything to them, letting his face fall from the glare into a softer annoyance, tilting his head down to look at Jonny through the top of his vision. He also doesn’t miss Jonny’s slight wince. Marius sighs at this and lifts his head again, then pops his neck before meeting Jonny’s eyes again.

“I’m going to go practice in my room,” he tells Jonny. “Knock if you need something.”

With that, he plants a kiss on Jonny’s cheek and leaves down the quiet corridors of the Aurora.


	2. and the cold's settling in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonny isn't the only one with a few questions that Marius isn't keen on answering

“Why do you always have me go pick people up from the surface?” Marius asks as he leaves the hauler.

“Because I trust you,” Brian replies as if it’s that simple, leaning against the cold metal walls of the hauler bay. 

Marius gives him a weird look as he takes off his helmet. He shoves the thing under his right arm, the spike facing behind him, and pushes his goggle from his eye.

“What do you mean?” he asks, walking toward Brian.

Brian shrugs. “I trust you won’t crash it and will actually pick them up,” he says, tilting his head. “Most of the others either don’t know how to fly a hauler, would intentionally crash it, or would just not pick the others up if asked.”

“Ah, I see,” Marius says, nodding.

Brian pushes off the wall with his shoulders and meets Marius by the door. Idly, he intertwines his right hand with Marius’ free one as they both leave the hauler bay. Marius closes his hands around Brian’s, feeling the cold metal warm up under his touch, slowly by surely. He idly swings their arms a bit more than he really needs to.

“I also just trust you in general,” Brian continues as they wander toward the bridge.

Marius lets that comment sit in the air for a bit. He ignores it at first, pretending that Brian didn’t say it at all. Then it sinks in more. It festers and rots the more he lets it sits on the surface of his thoughts. It pushes further into the forefront of his mind, eating at him until a question sits on his tongue. It’s a full half-minute later of what Brian probably thinks is comfortable silence before it spills from his mouth.

“Why would you do that?” Marius asks, not looking at Brian.

His step falters in surprise. Marius feels Brian’s eyes on him but continues to ignore it as it burns his skin. His face remains completely neutral as confusion scrawls across Brian’s face, pulling at the flexible metal plating.

“What do you mean?” Brian says, echoing Marius.

“Why would you trust me?” Marius repeats because he’s nothing if not impulsive even if he knows it’s gonna hurt. “I’m not exactly the most reliable person. Or the most honest, especially compared to you.”

“Marius, I can’t lie,” Brian says, raising a brow.

“You say that as if you’re not way more honest than I am even when you can.”

“Lying doesn’t make you a bad person,” Brian says, squeezing Marius’ hand a little tighter in a comforting way. “I just don’t like to lie much. Other than that, you’re pretty reliable.”

“In what way am I reliable?” Marius asks, disbelieving. He squeezes Brian’s hand back.

“Well, there’s what I said about you actually bothering to pick people up when I ask you to,” Brian says with a laugh. “You always come back to the ship on time. You’re there for the others when they need something, especially emotional support. You don’t tell other people’s secrets, at least as far as I’m aware. You’re always willing to help when something needs doing. You’re one of the first to memorize your music and the least likely to mess up your lines.”

“I’ve messed up my lines plenty.”

“So have the rest of us, you just do it the least.”

“Just because I’m reliable doesn’t make me a good person, Brian.”

Brian gives Marius a funny look as he meets his eyes. “None of us are good people, Marius,” he says with amusement lightening his tone. “We kill and steal and have broken too many laws to really keep track of.”

“Then are you not working toward some sort of… greater good?” Marius asks, tilting his head. “That’s how your file described it, ‘will happily commit all kinds of atrocities as long as he believes it’s for the greater good.’”

“I mean, that’s not entirely accurate but I didn’t want the file to be too long,” Brian says, a sigh in his voice. “It’s more like, well, what I personally think is the greater good for the people around me. Usually, the people around me are you all. So the happiness of the crew is usually the greater good.”

“Do you do anything for yourself?” Marius asks, squinting with furrowed brows as he looks at Brian. 

Brian pauses, thinks. “I mean, yes usually,” he says, tilting his head side to side like he’s weighing his options. “I have ways to destress, though in all honestly that’s usually piloting or practicing on my own. I sometimes write my own music or just play the drums to do something. I also like to read and sometimes I commandeer the hobby lab for the day.”

“What do you do in the hobby lab?” Marius asks. He didn’t know there’s a hobby lab. Why didn’t he know there’s a hobby lab? 

“Well, you read my file,” Brian says, shrugging in a way that lifts Marius’ hand for a moment. “What about you? Do you do anything for yourself?”

“Of course,” Marius says in what he thinks is the truth.

“Like what?”

“I practice violin and organize the med bay in my free time. I also like to psychoanalyze, you know that though.”

“Okay, but do you do any of that because you like to do so, or do you do it because you think it helps people?”

“Think?” Marius says incredulous, bringing his metal hand to his chest in mock offense.

“That’s what you’re focussing on?” Brian asks, scrunching his nose up as his face twists in concern. “Marius, answer the question.”

“Therapy is very helpful, I’ll have you know,” Marius goes on as if Brian didn’t say anything. “Maybe you should try it! I have nothing else that needs doing!”

“What? Marius!” Brian shakes his head.

He stops in the middle of the corridor and Marius doesn’t notice at first, making him stumble slightly when the unyielding metal of Brian’s hand doesn’t continue forward with him. He stops and steadies himself, turning back to look at Brian. A twist of guilt and anxiety fills him as Brian looks at him in shock and confusion. Maybe he crossed a line with the “maybe you should try therapy” bit. Marius covers his worry with a look of naivety and confusion.

“Sorry,” he says quickly. “I shouldn’t have said that. You deal with your stuff just fine if you’re still willing to tinker in the hobby lab.”

“That’s not what I’m upset about,” Brian says, shoulders dropping and head tilting as he squints at Marius in confusion. “Why do you always do this?”

“Do what?” Marius asks. He feels as sweat starts to coat his hands and by god does he hope Brian doesn’t notice how clammy he’s getting.

“I, or pretty much anyone, ask some kind of personal question and you deflect like it’s your job,” Brian explains. “All I asked was if you were doing things for fun and not for others and you pretend as if I wasn’t asking a question at all! I feel like that’s an answer in and of itself but I would appreciate a direct answer instead of you doing this every single time.”

“I don’t do it  _ every _ single time,” Marius defends like he has any ground to stand on.

Brian frowns and grabs Marius’ helmet from under his arm. He places it on top of Marius’ head and proceeds to grab Marius’ now free hand in a way that makes Marius think back to last week in the practice room. He hasn’t gone back to the practice room and he definitely hasn’t talked to Jonny since then. More guilt adds to the pile in his stomach and he starts running through what to tell Jonny the next time he sees him and what he can say in defense of himself and how to act like he hasn’t been lying and what Jonny might say in response and how to work off of-

He’s snapped quite unwillingly back to reality by way of cold metal kissing the corner of his mouth. He blinks the glazed over thoughts from his eyes and locks them with Brian, who has so much concern and worry on his face directly right at Marius that it very much doesn’t help the guilt that is starting to boil over. Brian’s shoulders drop when Marius doesn’t say anything or have any particular emotion other than that feigned naivety. What will make him smile? What will make him feel better?

Marius smiles and gives a quick peek on Brian’s lips. He drops his hands to his side as he backs away, giving some distance from the pit of emotions that is close to the top by now. Brian doesn’t wipe the confusion off of his face so Marius lets out a quick, light laugh.

“Don’t you have a ship to pilot?” he asks jokingly. “I’d love to join you but Jonny gave me a few songs to practice.”

Brian crosses his arms and Marius can’t help but see the same exasperated-tired look that Jonny gave him. This conversation is some kind of dark mirror and Marius would really rather he wasn’t looking into it. He swallows his anxiety, still with a smile plastered on his face.

“You said not twenty seconds ago that you had nothing else to do today,” Brian helpfully reminds him. “I know for a fact you haven’t talked to Jonny since last week because Jonny has been moping about it for three days straight.”

“Jonny doesn’t mope,” Marius argues, rolling his eyes, still holding that smile.

“He mopes,” Brian insists, “especially when one of us won’t talk to him after having some sort of argument, so I’m going to have to assume you had an argument.”

“You don’t  _ have _ to do anything,” Marius can barely keep the venom off of his tongue. He takes a deep breath to calm himself down. “I haven’t talked to Jonny because I’ve been busy. He gave me the music two weeks ago. We haven’t had an argument, he’s probably just moping because he needs affection and won’t admit it.”

“Marius,” Brian says, his voice pleading as he steps forward.

His hand reaches for Marius’ but Marius pulls it back just as quick, as if he’s been burned. He knows he made a mistake when Brian’s eyes shoot up to his, all concern and worry, and Marius needs to get out of here right now before he makes everything worse. He’s going to make everything worse. He always makes everything worse when he’s upset. His guilt coils around his throat as he looks into Brian’s eyes, fear and anxiety taking a spike that he dearly hopes doesn’t show on his face. He lets Brian take his hand this time, not wanting to make him worry. He doesn’t want to touch anyone. He doesn’t want Brian to worry. He lets Brian hold his hand and is breathing hard at the cold metal even as it warms and he needs to leave right now.

“I really do have to go,” Marius insists through gritted teeth.

“No, you don’t,” Brian says. His eyes are on Marius’ hand so Marius doesn’t have to look him in the eyes, thank god. “I can feel your pulse.”

“Brian, I have to go.”

“You’re not okay, dear. Can’t we just talk about this?”

“Brian, please.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“Brian!”

Brian looks up at him and Marius feels his own tears hit his collarbone and soak into his shirt. He does the best he can and grits his teeth, avoid’s Brian’s eyes, wipe away the tears as quickly as they came. His hand is still in Brian’s and the contact feels like it burns, making his wrist twitch.

“Please let go of me,” Marius forces himself to say through heavy breaths. Brian complies, arm falling to his side. Marius’ hand pulls in quickly and his arms cross over each other, closing him into himself. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“We’re going to have to at some point,” Brian says, his voice all comfort and softness and it’s really not helping. Marius wishes he was yelling or angry or annoyed; he knows how to deal with that. “This isn’t for my benefit, Marius. I want to make sure you’re alright because you clearly aren’t.”

“What’s the greater good?” Marius asks.

“Marius.”

“What is it?”

Brian sighs, shoulders dropping. “Whatever mode I’m on, the only thing I want is for everyone to be okay,” he says, voice low and soft. “I know you’re the same way, Marius. I need you to understand, though, that if you’re not okay neither is anyone else because we care about you. Marius, look at me.” Marius complies. “We care about you. We love you, Marius. You know that, right?” Marius nods. “I love you, you know that?” Another nod. “Alright, then, if you don’t want to talk about it right now that’s fine, but you do know that we need to at some point.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and care about you. I’ve already said that.”

Marius leans against the wall, his back touching the cold metal of the hull. He comforts in the fact that Aurora probably hasn’t noticed, busy with other things like flying without Brian, so he isn’t in direct contact with anyone. He nods, looking away again.

“I’m going to go to the bridge,” Brian lies. “You can join me if you want. We don’t have to talk about this right now.”

“I think I want to go to sleep,” Marius says, shrugging tightly.

Brian nods and walks off, sending a few glances at Marius as he leaves. Marius isn’t moving, which is fine. Brian has other plans, though, like finding Jonny and asking him a few personal questions he really hopes won’t be deflected this time.


	3. can you hold on to me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A final, much need confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right so, I've been working on this for ages and it was supposed to be out, like, the next day from the first two chapters but I got sidetracked and wasn't really in the right headspace to write it but! I've finished! Thank you for waiting! This chapter is really soft. Bunch of bloody romantics....

Marius hasn’t talked to either Jonny or Brian in five days. He’s talked to literally every other crew member in that time. He organized files with Ivy. He played cards with Ashes and Tim. He baked some cookies with the Toy Soldier. He helped Nastya with some repairs. He chatted with Raphaella as she fixed up his arm after he accidentally slammed it in a door. In all that time he hasn’t seen hide nor hair of Brian or Jonny and he’s starting to think they’re avoiding him. He wouldn’t blame them. He really messed up.

He is once again mulling it over as he sits in a nest of pillows, back against his headboard with his knees pulled up against his chest and arms hugging his legs in a comforting grip. Nastya had once mentioned that Jonny and Brian were like mirrors sometimes. Marius thinks that’s true, especially after both conversations. Both are emotional, both care far too much for their own good, despite what Jonny claims, and both do the exact same things when arguing which is probably why someone, usually Marius, has to mediate their very, very rare arguments.

Unfortunately, thinking about those conversations forces Marius to actually think about what the two had said, which he very much doesn’t want to do. He would rather he’d never have to think about it, but if he wants to survive the next conversation he has with either of them he has to at least think of what they’ll want to hear. Not what Marius thinks, no, of course not. He’s full of emotion and bluster and turmoil and nobody wants that. His stupid little emotions really don’t need addressing, in his opinion, because they’re not important in the face of everyone else’s. Above all, he doesn’t want to make either of them uncomfortable or make them walk on eggshells around him. He just wants to be around them happy, laughing, sweet and soft. Worry and concern have no place being directed at him. Thinking about what they want to hear, though, requires weighing the lie against the truth. Thinking about what they want to hear requires him to know what the truth is.

Alright then, first is Jonny.

_ “I need to know why you think it doesn’t matter if you lie but it does matter I do.” _

That’s easy, he thinks. He really doesn’t think Jonny wants to hear the truth in that one. Well, he probably thinks he does, but Marius knows better. The truth to that one was sad and coiling and cold under his touch. Marius lies to make Jonny, and frankly, everyone else, feel better. He doesn’t want them uncomfortable and he longs for them to smile and not worry about Marius. His feelings aren’t important and he’s fully aware of that. What’s important is Jonny’s feelings. He doesn’t want Jonny to lie because he wants to make sure he’s alright because Jonny’s feelings are important. He wants to trust that what Jonny says is true but he can’t do that if he  _ knows _ Jonny is lying about silly things like how much he slept. The evidence was written all of his face in the form of deep bags and tired eyes.

Okay, that’s settled then. Then Brian.

_ “Okay, but do you do any of that because you like to do so, or do you do it because you think it helps people?” _ Help people. Therapy helps make people feel better. Organizing helps people find things a lot easier.

First of all, he doesn’t just “think” it’ll help. The things he does  _ do _ help, that’s a fact. Practicing violin helps their shows go off without a hitch. He’s so reliable because he practices and practices and makes sure everything is perfect until the lyrics and notes are ingrained into the very core of his brain. He can’t let the others down during a concert. He messes up a few times, but so does everyone else. Still, though, he can’t help but worry every time he does that he’s done something horrific and will end up ruining the whole show. So he practices and practices and practices until he can’t anymore. Oh god, he should be practicing. No, no, he’s practicing something else right now. There’s truth to what Brian said after. If Marius isn’t okay then nobody else is. Well, kind of. If they don’t know he isn’t okay then there’s no flake off their back. Ignorance is bliss, after all. It also works in reverse. If everyone else is okay then Marius is too. As long as nobody is worried about him, as long as everyone is happy, he’s okay as well.

He repeats these lies in his head until they feel right. Then he moves on to their solutions. What do they want to hear?

Well, Brian wants to know if he does things for himself ever and while Marius could argue for days that doing things for others is doing things for himself he doesn’t really want to argue with Brian anymore. He wants to be happy and smiling and soft, no bluster of arguments to tear at him and twist his guts. So what could he have been doing? Well, he could say he plays the violin just to play sometimes. He knows he used to do that at some point. He can easily say baking is for himself, a stress relief. He just puts more into the batch because he can. He thinks that’s true. Baking relaxes him more than anything and that’s why he started baking in the first place. As far as Brian has to know, he bakes just whenever he feels like it and not when someone asks him to.

Jonny’s lie. Okay, alright, that was a little harder. It isn’t a list or slight lies like Brian’s is. He has to be a lot more careful with this one because there really is no simple, light, easy answer that sits just under the surface of the truth. Actually, maybe there is. It’s the truth after all, right? He cares about Jonny a lot and wants to make sure he’s alright. Jonny doesn’t want Marius to say his feelings aren’t important, though, so he has to phrase it in a nicer way. How can he phrase it, though? There’s no nicer way to say that his feelings don’t matter.

That thought brings a lot to the forefront and sticks itself directly into his central focus. Despite what he says, he knows there is a problem here. He’s not completely delusional. The fact that he doesn’t care for his well being in comparison to others even when he’s falling apart is, in fact, a problem. He knows that. He knows that. He swallows his guilt at the thought, knowing how much concern and worry would be directed his way if any member of the crew knew how little he thought of himself. He tries to be important. He does things for others because it makes him feel better about himself. He melts further into the pillows as the thought weighs heavy on his chest. 

He doesn’t have enough time before there comes a knock at his door. His head shoots up and his eyes land on the door. At first, there isn’t any noise and he thinks, hopes, that he was imagining that knock. No noise leaves his throat as he stares wide-eyed at that very still, silent door, fingers digging into his pant legs as he pulls in closer to himself.

“Marius?” Jonny’s voice filters in through the door, dashing his hopes. “Are you in there?”

A number of responses that range from jokes to invitations swim in Marius’ head. Not a single one decides to leave his throat. They weigh heavy in his chest and panic clamps at his throat. His teeth grit together as he continues to stare. He notices that he’s not breathing heavy, his heart is beating at its normal pace, and almost everything feels normal physically. All the while his mind swirls deeper in a state of panic as he continues to not be unable to make a sound.

He distantly hears footsteps approach, closer and closer, until they stop in front of his door.

“I’ve checked the whole ship,” Brian says, voice heavy with concern. “Not a sign of him. His violin isn’t even in the practice room. Nastya says that he’s definitely in his room and hasn’t left in a few hours.”

How long has he been here? He glances at the analog clock by his bed, somewhat surprised at his ability to move his own limbs. 8:34 ship time. Did he miss dinner? He wasn’t hungry. He doesn’t remember anyone telling him there was food. His comm is across the room though, he tossed it there ages ago.

“Marius?” Jonny repeats, half-yelling. His voice then switches to a lower tone as he addresses Brian next to him. “You don’t think he’s asleep, do you?”

“Marius von Raum is not asleep,” a light, precise tone rings out from a speaker just outside of Marius’ door. He dreads the sound of Aurora’s voice, knowing that she’s now watching this all happen. She’s watched it all happen. Aurora was good at keeping secrets, though, and he doubts she told them anything he doesn’t want them to know. “He is still in his quarters. He has not left in approximately three and a half hours.”

“We should leave,” Brian says, voice tense.

“Just give me a second,” Jonny says impatiently. “Marius, can you open the door for us?” There’s a soft murmur of Brian’s voice followed by an annoyed groan from Jonny.  _ “Please?” _

Marius looks around his room. It’s a complete fucking mess. His violin is haphazardly placed on the floor next to his nightstand, his comm is on top of a pile of clothes that spreads outward like rot, and there are various papers flung about the room. He takes a deep breath that barely makes a noise and swings his legs off the bed. When he stands he feels a wave of dizziness hit him, causing him to grab the nightstand to balance and knock an empty glass off. When did he last clean? He watches the glass fall onto a pile of clothes, preventing it from shattering on the hardwood floors that are cold under Marius’ feet. He tries to avoid the clothes on the floor as he slowly makes his way to the door.

His options weigh at two sides of the scale as he feels his hands slot into the cold metal handle of the sliding door. Open the door or not. They know he’s awake, so he should open it and let them in because they want to see him. He needs to prove that he’s alright and he needs to pretend that he is because he can’t stand the sound of the eggshells they’ll walk over otherwise. He can’t stand the idea of them slowly but surely doubting how useful he really is. On the other hand, he doesn’t know if he can pretend to be alright. If they see the inside of his room he can play it off. He’s been distracted and hasn’t thought about it. Marius was known as a tidy person who liked to organize but it wasn’t incredibly weird for that not to translate into his bedroom. The violin on the floor was the most concerning part, though. He doesn’t just leave his instruments around where he can step on them or an octokitten can steal them but he doesn’t think he can run back to grab it at this rate. So he can just come out and close the door behind him, join them in the hall and merely say his room is a mess so he doesn’t want them coming in. Pepper in a laugh and a smile and try to come up with the rest of his lies on the spot and hope they work. The main problem with that idea: he really doesn’t think he can talk at this point.

Not a sound has come out of his mouth in the past few hours and his throat feels heavy as words weigh him down. He steps back for a second, slides his hand out of the handle.

“Marius?” Brian says this time, the worry lacing in his tone twisting a knife in Marius’ guts.

He opens his mouth to reply, say to give him a minute and he’ll be out. The words jumble in his throat and not a sound leaves him. He tries again. And again. And again. A small, half-grunt forces out as he closes his mouth again and he hopes they didn’t hear that.

Alright, he’s gone nonverbal. That’s not great. He hasn’t done this in front of any of the crew and he really has made an effort not to. He can usually play it off or retreat somewhere to play some music and calm himself down but he very much doesn’t have that option right now with Brian and Jonny waiting outside his door.

An idea pops into his head so fast he vibrates. He dashes to the corner of his room and snatches the comm off of the pile of clothes and opens his notes apps. It’s a mess of ideas for songs and random reminders so he opens a new one and smiles as he types out a quick message. Soon, he’s opening the door a crack to slip through before closing it behind him. He leans against the closed door and looks at the other two with a bright smile. It doesn’t falter as he looks at their faces and sees the looks of concern mixed with relief when he faces them but he takes it like a bat to his stomach and grits his teeth. Easily, he turns the phone around so they can read it.

_ “Lost my voice! Sorry, my room is a mess so I don’t want you guys to see it until I clean it,” _ the note reads in white letters against black. It’s not a lie. It’s not a lie.

The two of them read it quickly, their faces the picture of confusion. Brian backs up first and gives Jonny a look which is returned with a glance, a look, and a deep breath before he turns back to Marius.

“How did you lose your voice?” Jonny asks, brow furrowed.

_ “I was trying out my voices for Heracles,” _ Marius shows them after a while.  _ “I went a little too gruff. He should probably be higher than I’m doing but I wanted to try.” _

“Are you alright, then?” Brian asks, crossing his arms in a way that confuses Marius because he doesn’t seem upset or bored and Brian only crosses his arms when he’s upset or bored. “Neither us have seen you since…” he glances a Jonny, who doesn’t have tact.

“Since we each had an argument with you,” he says, narrowing his eyes. “Are you avoiding us?”

Quickly, Marius shakes his head, still smiling.  _ “I’ve been busy,” _ he types out.  _ “I thought  _ you _ were avoiding me.” _

“I mean, I was,” Jonny admits, crossing his arms. Mirrors. Brian elbows him in the shoulder in a not-subtle way that would make Marius chuckle if he could manage a sound past the heavy weight in his chest. “I’m not anymore! Obviously!” Jonny exclaims, glaring at Brian with his nose crinkled up in annoyance. “We wanted to talk about that, the argument thing but, uhm…”

“How did you actually lose your voice?” Brian asks and Marius realizes that Brian has been lost in thought for a good second. “Your mechanism should prevent that. None of us have ever lost voices since mechanization. Do you need to see Raph?”

The bombardment of concern-laced questions made Marius’ head spin and as he started to process all of them, the weight in his chest grew heavier. No, no, if he went to Raph she would know he was lying. There’s nothing wrong with his throat. He also doesn’t want to have to go through weird surgeries for her to figure that out. His leg begins to tap and his grip on his comm grows tighter. He shakes his head, not able to keep the panic out of it as he begins to fidget. The heavy, worried looks from Jonny and Brian feel like a ball and chain trying to drown him.

Brian’s arms fall to his sides. “Are you sure?” he asks. He starts to raise a hand that is on a one-way track to Marius’ shoulder. “You don’t look we-”

Just as his hand is about to land on Marius’ shoulder, Marius jerks back, banging his shoulder on the door right where flesh met metal. A stifled noise of pain barely leaves his throat as a sharp pain sparks down the intricate wires that connect mechanical nerves to fleshy, human ones. Brian jerks his hand back in surprise, giving big, comical blinks at Marius’ sudden movements. Jonny looks surprised as well, eyes widening. Marius looks between the two as his breathing starts to speed up and his throat starts to tighten. He feels caged in, no good way to escape this situation available to him and his fate glares down and his lies catch at his heels. 

A wave of pure, overwhelming  _ everything _ washes over Marius and suddenly he can’t take it anymore. He feels hot tears track down his face and his back slides against the cold metal of his bedroom door as he falls into a curled up position, knees pulled in, and head buried in his hands. Metal fingers dig into flesh and flesh fingers scratch at metal as he pulls in on himself, no good options available at his fingertips or on the tip of his tongue. His heavy breaths wrack his body but no sound comes out louder than a whisper of breath through his lungs and the occasional, wracking cough. 

“Marius? Marius, what’s wrong? What’s happening?” Jonny tries. Marius can barely hear fabric shift and Jonny’s voice get closer as he crouches down. “Are you crying? What’s going on?”

“Jonny,” Brain says, his voice quiet and gentle and just as close as Jonny’s now.

“Right, right, okay,” Jonny continues, voice frantic but slowing as his breathing evens out. Marius can’t even bring himself to panic more at the idea of Jonny panicking because of the blood rushing in his ears. “I don’t think you want us to touch you and… and I don’t think you can talk right now. Uhm, can you answer yes and no questions for us or would that be too much?”

Marius gives the best shake of his head that he can before another weak cough tears at his lungs. Most of the tears are from coughing now instead of the overwhelming… everything around him.

“Okay, alright, I have an idea then,” Jonny says, taking deep, calming breaths. “Can you focus on me, Marius? Just focus on my voice and my breathing? Try to hum along if you can, alright? Brian help me out here.”

“What? With what?” Brian asks, confusion running deep.

“Do you have your banjo with you?”

“Why do you think I just carry it around?”

“Yes or no, Brian?”

“No!”

“Alright, fine, whatever. Just, I don’t know, follow along. You know your lines.”

“Jonny I really don’t know what we’re doing.”

“Shut up, let me focus, I don’t know the words as well.” Jonny takes a deep breath and Marius hears him shift, already starting to calm down a little at the sound of the playful bickering even with its stressed undertone.  _ “Oh my love, what madness can this be?” _

“Really?” Brian whispers, interrupting.

“It works with Nastya, now shut up,” Jonny seethes. He starts over.  _ “Oh my love, what madness can this be? In your place a monster I do see.” _

He stumbles the lyrics a few times, stress and annoyance leaking into the lyrics where he was unsure of himself. Eventually, Brian joined in as well. Marius could hear him shift until he was leaning against Jonny, softly leaning into the song as well and Marius melted into the lyrics. Around the middle of the first chorus repeat, Marius starts humming to the nonexistent violin part, causing Jonny to stumble in confusion and Brian to elbow him. By the end of the second chorus repeat, Marius is humming along to the actual lyrics and as he stopped pulling in on himself as much. By the end of the third, he’s wiping tears from his eyes and looking up at Jonny and Brian with a soft, tired smile, cheek resting on his arm.

“Are you feeling better?” Brian asks, voice still soft and low in a way that warms Marius like a controlled fire.

He nods, swallows, takes a few deep breaths. “A bit,” he whispers, the words barely leaving his throat. Talking makes him feel better though, words finally able to force themselves out. “Thank you.”

“Still no touch?” Jonny asks, the most tactile of the three. He looks apprehensive.

“No touch,” Marius confirms, slightly tugging at his legs. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, you’re fine,” Jonny reassures quickly, actively holding his wrist back. “Are you okay, though? I’ve never seen you get like that.”

“I’m sorry,” Marius repeats, pushing his face more into his arm and looking away. “I didn’t mean to.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Brian says, brow furrowed. “Why would you think you need to apologize?”

“I don’t like to worry you,” Marius explains, too tired to lie. “It’s better if you don’t worry about me. If you guys don’t worry then I’m fine.”

“Well, clearly not,” Jonny quips without thinking too much. He’s lucky another elbow doesn’t cave in his stomach. “What got you so worked up?”

“I, well,” Marius starts, still looking at the fabric of his shirt, “I was trying to, uhm.”

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to,” Brian assures him.

“No, no, I want to,” Marius insists, now glaring at the fabric. “You guys wanted to talk about this anyway, I just… It’s hard.”

“Take your time.”

Marius takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, lets it out just as slowly. Swallows, opens his eyes, glances at Jonny and Brian, looks back to his arm. He lets his knees fall into a cross-legged position, takes another deep breath, lets his hands fall into his lap, looks down at his hands. All the while, Jonny and Brian wait quietly, Jonny softly humming some random notes but not doing much else.

“I don’t like it when people worry about me,” Marius says softly, gaze solidly in his lap. “I feel like… like I need to be useful and I-I can’t do that if people are always worrying about me. I feel like if… if people worry about me then you’ll always be walking eggshells around me and I- and I hate that! I want to do things for others because it’ll make you guys feel like I’m useful and… I don’t want to be a waste of space.”

“Marius, you’re never a waste of space,” Brian says quickly, an edge of panic to the softness. “You’re- you’ve- ugh, Jonny flip me.”

“What?” Jonny asks, incredulous. “I- fine, okay.” He grumbles and shifts onto his knees. Carefully, he lifts Brian’s hat and pushes the hair aside. Marius sees him flip the switch upward toward MJE.

“You’re never a waste of space,” Brian repeats, solid and firm as he stares Marius’ in the eyes. “You never could be. No one is a waste of space despite what Jonny  _ jokingly  _ says to the Toy Soldier.”

“Hey,” Jonny chides, glaring.

Brian gives a fond, cocky smile. “I said jokingly,” he says, smugness lacing his tone. “So do you want to answer our questions from earlier, Marius? It’s alright if you don’t. You must be pretty tired.”

“I wish I had some sort of truth switch,” Marius grumbles, once again pulling his knees up so he can bring himself closer in. “Yeah, sure, I think I can try them this time without freaking out.”

“I go first!” Jonny insists, his voice soft despite the triumph that he playfully glares at Brian. “Okay, okay, so why does it only matter that I don’t lie but you can?”

Marius winces slightly at that. That was the harder question of the two and Marius doesn’t even have a convincing lie for it. There’s no way he’d be able to think of a good one on the spot. Alright, so what Jonny wants to hear, what he really, truly wants to hear, is the truth. If Marius just focuses on that, he can’t go wrong. He hopes.

“I lie to make you guys feel better,” he says in a very quiet and borderline fragile voice. “I don’t want you guys to worry about me, but I’ve said that already. The truth is sad and I don’t want to feel sad and I don’t want you guys to either, so I lie. I… I want to trust that you guys tell me the truth when I ask if you’re alright though. I know it’s hypocritical but lying about if you’ve slept seems silly in comparison to asking if I’m alright all the time. I think I’m alright, usually. If I’m not I won’t tell you guys, though. I… I don’t…” He pauses and buries his face further into his arms. “I don’t really think my feelings are too important in comparison.”

“Marius,” Brian says, voice oh-so-soft. “Your feelings are so very important. Can I touch you?” Marius nods. Brian sets his hand down on Marius’ arm very gently. “Your feelings are important because I care about them and I want to make sure you’re happy and alright. You’re important to me and I’m sure you’re important to Jonny.”

“Of course you’re important to me,” Jonny says with a hint of surprise and confusion. “Of course I care about you and your feelings!  _ You’re _ important to me. Why would your feelings be separate from that? You don’t need to be useful to be important to me. I mean, what does the Toy Soldier really do around here?”

“You’re admitting to caring about the Toy Soldier?” Marius asks, a smile working itself onto his face.

Jonny pouts and glares for a second. “Maybe I am,” he says, voice grumbly. “If anyone repeats that to it I’ll skin both the Toy Soldier and whichever of you told it that.”

“Alright, how about my question?” Brian says, giving a comforting squeeze to Marius’ arm. “I think I know the answer already but I want to hear you say it. Is that alright?” Marius looks away but nods. “Do you do anything for yourself?”

“Not really,” Marius says. “I didn’t even know we had a hobby lab until you told me and I’ve been on this ship for… god knows how long anymore. It’s relaxing to organize the med bay though and… I mean, I used to write songs. I don’t anymore. Doesn’t seem important.”

“You used to write songs?” Jonny repeats like a parrot, perking up. “Why haven’t you shown me any?”

“Not important,” Marius says into his sleeve. “At least I didn’t think it was. I… I guess I can make it important again. I like doing things like flying the hauler. It reminds me of… before.”

Brian gives another comforting squeeze. “Come here,” he says quietly.

It’s not a command but Marius follows it anyway, letting go of his legs so he can fall forward, head quickly burying itself into Brian’s chest. Marius doesn’t hug him, too tired to think of it, but soon both Jonny and Brian are surrounding him with an almost too-warm hug that brings the very last of his panic out of his system. He melts into their arms, too tired for tears or for panic anymore.

“You don’t have to prove your importance, Marius,” Brian says quietly as Jonny begins to hum out a random tune that sounds somewhat similar to Cinder’s Song. “You don’t have to be some baron or doctor to be important, especially to us.”

“I mean, we’re just a bunch of immortal idiots,” Jonny laughs, pausing his tune. “We’re only here by sheer luck. You’re no less important than anyone else here.”

There’s a hand at the back of Marius’ head, threading fingers through his curls. He sighs quietly, sinking further into the lulls of sleep as Jonny starts up his humming again. This time it’s a mellow rendition of Sleeping Beauty, which Marius gives a small chuckle at. He feels his body start to sag and drift off as adrenaline seeps out of the last inches of his body. Faintly he feels it as he’s lifted without much effort on Brian’s part and hears the door to his room slide open as he finally falls into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

Marius wakes up only once that night, curled up into a tight ball surrounded by metal and flesh and sheets. He’s in his room and the lights are thankfully off, the tinted port window barely let in the distant starlight of swirling galaxies. He shifts slightly, confused as he slowly comes to. The room must still be a mess and he really hopes his violin isn’t still on the floor in case someone falls on it.

“Go back to sleep,” Jonny grumbles next to him. His hand is holding Marius’ and his forehead is pressed into Marius’ back. He gives a tight squeeze in annoyance.

“Did anyone pick up my violin?” Marius asks, barely there.

“It’s put away,” Brian says, sleep dragging at his tone. “It’s… somewhere. Not on the floor. Go back to sleep.”

Marius chuckles slightly, feeling Brian’s lips brush against his forehead. He sinks back into the blankets and drifts back into a dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me @fracnkie or @bryon-von-raum on tumblr. If you get where the titles and chapters titles come from... you get brownie points, I guess.


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